This Song...

During those most depressing times of my life in 2004, everytime I attend a mass, I always hear this song. Sung by the choir in every mass I attended, this song, in a way, became engraved in my spirit and in my heart.

I was then first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Depressed, I can't seem to think straight. I blamed everything on myself. I felt like I was the culprit for every problem in this world. I felt guilty for even the acts or omissions I have not done. I just wanted for this world to end so that every misery that exists would finally end.

As I attended the mass earlier this Sunday, it was sung by the choir. Since it has been a long time since I last heard this song, it reminded me once more of those dark times. I've come a long way since then. That was the time when I was about to graduate from high school and everything seemed to crash. My life then was in scattered pieces. Feeling guilty of all the sins I committed and for those I have not, I got depressed. Nothing seemed to make me happy.

If someone asks me if this song uplifted my spirit then, I could not remember. But whenever I hear this song these days, it not only reminds me of those depressing times, it also reminds me of how far I am now since then and how many blessings God has gifted me and my family.

2004 started really terribly. I recalled that on its first day, not even the beautiful sky was able to make me happy. And this song? It made my sadness meaningful but filled with music. Things changed as the year passed by. The later months became happier. My life started anew. And as I look back, it had been a dramatic but wonderful year.

While listening to this song in the mass I attended hours ago, I uttered to myself that I want this song played on my funeral rites in the future. I had no particular reason but I felt how beautiful this song is. I tried to control my emotions while hearing this song but it eventually got me teary-eyed towards its end.

Here is the lyrics of the song:

Lord, I come to You,
Let my heart be changed, renewed,
Flowing from the grace,
That I found in You
Lord, I've come to know,
The weaknesses I see in me,
Will be stripped away,
By the power of Your love

Hold me close,
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near,
Draw me to Your side
And as I wait,
I'll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You,
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your Love

Lord unveil my eyes,
Let me see You face to face
The knowledge of Your love,
As You live in me
Lord renew my mind,
As Your will unfolds in my life
In living every day,
In the power of Your Love.

During the mass, the priest asked us, "If the Lord asks you what your wish is, what will you say?" I thought to myself, "I want complete happiness and I want to see the Lord one day while hugging me." I guess this song reflects what I want: seeing the Lord face to face while his love surrounds me. That,  I guess, will be the happiest moment of my life even if it also means it's the end...

Like Queen Elizabeth the Great

After a couple of months of having spiritual crisis, I now consider myself to be of serene mind. I no longer have problems with my studies and I am completely contented with what I have in life. I have some incapabilities, I know, but having learned that I am sitting pretty as a law student in UP, I realized that God is up there providing everything in life. I am, despite of my weaknesses, surviving each day. This is enough to be thankful for to the Lord.

I just had a chat with Manny Freires a couple of hours ago and upon learning of my present condition, he was happy that his prayer for me to have serenity in life was answered by the Lord. My mother, when she called few times over the past few weeks is also very thankful when I uttered that I am contented with my life and I am enjoying my studies. I hope these times would continue. I learned for the past several months to be modest in everything, including in having faith in the Lord. Before, I was very emotional. Now, I am not. I can control my emotions these days. For these, I am also very very thankful.

Manny Freires told me that perhaps I can become like St. Thomas More, patron saint of lawyers. I got scared when he said that this saint was beheaded during the reign of King Henry VIII for having defended the Catholic faith. Of all the modes of dying, this one sure is one of the most dreadful. I've had nightmares of being beheaded. This is the kind of dying that scares me the most. I believe that he means I can become a militant Catholic, a defender of faith but I'm not very sure that I'd take such path. I already have dreams and aspirations myself and this one is not in my list.

So I told him, I'd rather be religion-neutral in front of everyone and be like Queen Elizabeth the Great, the queen who united England amidst the religious wars of the 1500s. Debating about religion is, as what Prof. Florin Hilbay said in our class, "a conversation-stopper," and as what can be gleaned from History, has been the cause of many wars and deaths of many souls. Until now, I can see that differences in religion is the cause of the on-going wars in the Middle East. I know, at the back of my mind, that Catholic faith calls us to be martyrs. But I believe in the power of diplomacy and the principle of freedom of religion...

Close Encounters with Unique Whale Sharks in Deep Green Sea is Perhaps the Most Amazing Water Experience of My Life

Swimming in waters off the coast the island of Luzon, Philippines has never been this amazing. I just came from a short getaway in Donsol, Sorsogon with college friends, Kaka, Jopol and Ate Jonah, and some of Ate Jonah's working colleagues.

At first, I wasn't able to see a thing. Waters entering my snorkels kept me from looking down the ocean as I could not breathe. Total failure as I was calling it. The whale shark I was trying to watch went off without me seeing it.

The next round, I was a bit luckier. I was able to watch the giant fish' body and tail swimming. It was very close to me, barely around a meter and half from my body. I got scared right at the moment when I recalled we were cautioned to be at least 3-4 meters away from the gentle shark. I was panting, literally. Right in the middle of the ocean!

Few rounds later, I had the most amazing few seconds of my life as I saw a huge whaleshark swimming while a smaller fish was gliding on top of its right fin. At that moment, the water was so clear. I was so happy. That was the first time I ever swam watching a giant fish and a smaller fish swimming together! Exhilarating and wonderful! I recalled all those encyclopedic photos I've seen when I was a child. And it's exponentially way better and more amazing up close!!!

The most amusing of all was the seventh and the final whale shark. I first saw its huge head. And boy, I saw its lavender-colored mouth, literally! And its body, though lighter, is also lavender! I was trying to follow this unique whale shark but when I screamed upon seeing it, waters gushed down my snorkel and stopped me from swimming further. I wasn't able to watch the shark afterwards. But still, pretty amazing moment.

I never saw pictures of lavender whale sharks before. I didn't expect that whale sharks are unlike those you see in pictures. They could actually have variations, amazing ones to be specific. Thus, I recommend everyone to watch the whale sharks. They are not as good as the ones you see in pictures. You better have close encounters with them and discover how different they are from how pictures seem to portray them!

I thank my friends for bringing me with them and I most especially thank God for giving me an opportunity to watch whale sharks. I'm planning to go back in the future. Once is not enough. And I'd probably practice wearing snorkels next time - they're killing my amazing experience.

Reckoning Day

We have spark. We've been friends since 2008, the best year of my life. And now, we're more than just friends. I just dated her awhile ago and asked her if we could now be more than just that. It took a while. Some strolling down the 2 malls in North Avenue and a dinner date at a restaurant before she finally said "yes."

So far, this is one of the happiest days of my life. She isn't exactly what I'm looking for. I've been an idealistic person for a long time. Looking for the right girl is difficult. I want a perfect woman. But God changed the way I look at her. Despite her imperfections, I always have a great time whenever I'm with her. And so, for a long time, I finally decided to ask her if she could be "the one."

Within just few hours, she answered in the affirmative. I feel so lucky because it did not take a long while. I now imagine myself living with her in her provincial home in beach-side Miag-ao, Iloilo. I've always longed for marrying someone from the Visayas. For me, those central Philippine isles are lovely and worth visiting.

She's more on the exotic side. The best thing about her is her perseverance. And apart from that, I know she's gonna love me back.

And now, this is the reckoning day. I may not be lucky academically these past few years. But I am pretty lucky now when it comes to love. I no longer feel there's an empty space in my heart. Someone's filling it up for me. And that is Kim.

Opening Post

I am Ojo (not my real name). I have a bipolar disorder (that disorder in which the person who has it has full of mood swings) and I am highly indecisive. I figured, it's just right to create a blog to convey what I have in mind and in my heart to help me find out what I should do with my wishy washy self.

You see, I need and want a good life and future. But with these problems in me, I surely need some help. So I decided to create this blog. This is where I will post all my feelings. I have full of mood swings and I always, always need spiritual help as I always find comfort and peace of mind in God.

Today is a normal day. I am on the verge of transferring to another school because I am not happy in UP. Falling grades, demanding professors, elite classmates, lengthy cases to read, bleak environment -- they all contribute to the sadness I have. It seems that I don't have life here. That's why I am thinking of transferring to another school.

Pondering about transferring to another school is a dreadful exercise. The name and prestige of UP Law is stuck up in my mind. But its the rigors of surviving there that's making me feel awful. I need rest and of course, motivation to study hard.

But I went to UST in Sampaloc to inquire about whether I can transfer. Together with my friend, Kim, it feels a lot better. It seems that UST's more friendly atmosphere is attracting me to transfer. I am now regaining my self-confidence that I lost. I was full of insecurities in UP that I want someone to bring me back to life.

God is out there. I need his words. To bring me back to life. Like how San Lazaro was brought back by Jesus (oh, yesterday's homily...).