It's that time of the year again! Christmas songs and Christmas decors accentuate the atmosphere once more! As winds are getting cooler each passing day, I am reminded by myself to make this yuletide season special... Thus, I made it a point to attend mass earlier this day to celebrate the 1st Sunday of the Advent. I also made a confession as I am determined to reunite with the Lord once more. All these are products of a simple analysis I just made about Christmases.
Looking back, the Christmases that were made special were the happiest ones. Most of them took place during my childhood years when the concept of Christmas was still fresh and new. But as I grew up, the meaning of Christmas got lost along the way. Year after year, Christmases soon became nothing but ordinary. There are some outliers though...
As I walked again through my life's memory lane, I realized some common factors about my happy Christmases: doing those old old customs and traditions, spending time with my family and relatives, and forgiveness. Let's see which Christmases did well in my books and which did not... Let's start with the ones I did not enjoy...
1992
I was a little 5-year old then when my parents tried to wake me up to eat Noche Buena. At that same night, I was dreaming of myself riding a car with all those toys at the backseat. When I woke up, it was past midnight and I cared little about the Christmas then. I guess I was too young to realize how special this day actually is.
1993
This year was the first year I got giddy about Christmas. What a difference since last year! I was excited about the Noche Buena but we ended up not doing it because our parents forgot to wake us up at midnight. In the end, December 25, 1993 passed like an ordinary day...
2001
The world then was unstable. The 911 attack reminded us that we can never be safe at all times. That was the general sentiment during those days. And coincidentally, our family was also unstable. For the next 3 years, we've had had some of the worst years of our lives. Thus, this year's Christmas ended up with little to cheer about.
1998, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2008, 2009
When I was a teen, Christmas meant nothing much to me. I always look forward to Summer seasons for some reasons. I guess, I grew tired of the same concept towards the end of each year. I also did not like the idea of subscribing to old customs and traditions that mean nothing to me. Hence, all these years' Christmases were forgettable...
-------------
On the contrary, here are the happiest Christmases of my life...
1994, 1995, 1996
Christmases are for kids. All those songs, decors and lights are a delight to them. The waiting was often cheerful and the closer it is to December 25, the happier I was. Those were some of the happiest Christmases I've had in my life. I remember having prepared parols as projects for school and having sung Christmas songs with my elementary classmates. Oh, those days were all cheerful...
1997
This year's Christmas made a special mark in my life's history. Although Asian Financial Crisis was prevailing during the 2nd half of that year, it hardly affected the children in our household (at least up to some point). What made this year's Christmas extra special was how we celebrated Noche Buena. For the past 3 years, we simply had it with our family and some maids, and no one else. But this year, our cousins, aunts and uncles went to our house to eat. That was one very happy Christmas.
1999
I was 12 then and the concept of Christmas was getting old but somehow, some things made this year a little more special than the rest. For one, someone gave us a figurine of Mama Mary holding her Baby Jesus that when you turn the key at its bottom side, a cheerful "Silent Night" melody will be played. And it never grows old, no matter how many times you play it. Second, we had so many foods on our Noche Buena and many of them were so delicious that I would never forget that night. Third, there will always be something special about the last Christmas of the millennium especially when the Pope decreed that it will be the start of the Grand Jubilee Year. :) But I guess, on top of all these, I was reminded by the "Silent Night" melody of the solemnity of Christ's birth, which turned that otherwise ordinary Christmas into something magical.
2000
One of the best Christmases of my life. It was somehow a repeat of last year's when it comes to the Noche Buena part (delicious foods on the table!). But what made this year's yuletide season nostalgic was the Christmas Carol competition in our school. Our very dysfunctional class (a.k.a. "I-Emerald") prepared for the competition just like all else but because of our dysfunctional nature, it was almost impossible to pull a "win." We had some of those classmates notorious for making teachers' lives more difficult and the same made it extra hard for our class leaders to contain their attitude. Everything was a mess in all our practices but unexpectedly, we won in our year level. We did not expect that because our class was so unruly that nothing seemed to be working at all. But a "win" is a "win" and in our context then, it meant everything. Sadly, in the subsequent years, no such competition was held. 2000 will be remembered as the only year where I joined a Christmas Carol contest.
2002
I spent this year's yuletide season reading Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist. It was so good that I could always relate this year's Christmas with that piece of work. December 25, 2002 was simple but very solemn. For some reasons, that was one Happy Christmas...
2007
I would never forget what this year's Christmas taught me: forgiveness means happiness. In the latter part of this year, my relationship with some of my friends went awful. The treasured relationship I had with them was on a crisis. Knowing all these, my mom gave me a lecture on life and ended it by saying, "Greet them a Merry Christmas and forgive them..." I obeyed her. This made my Christmas very special. There's no better time to forgive others than Christmas. It has set me free from cold-hearted anger...
2010
Last year's Christmas was memorable because our family and our mother-side relatives went to an amusement park to play. Usually, we spend our Christmases in one of our homes but this time, we went farther than that and extended the celebration. :)
-----------
It seems that the more I observe some old old Christmas customs and traditions, the merrier are my Christmases. Similarly, the act of doing a noble deed on the Christmas day itself makes the day very special, as is the case of 2007. In addition, it is wise to make each Christmas special by doing something unique, or something that has not been done in the past years.
By doing this simple analysis, I learned that Christmas is all about doing noble acts, subscribing to old Christmas traditions, celebrating with the family, and of course, remembering Jesus...
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
This Song...
During those most depressing times of my life in 2004, everytime I attend a mass, I always hear this song. Sung by the choir in every mass I attended, this song, in a way, became engraved in my spirit and in my heart.
I was then first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Depressed, I can't seem to think straight. I blamed everything on myself. I felt like I was the culprit for every problem in this world. I felt guilty for even the acts or omissions I have not done. I just wanted for this world to end so that every misery that exists would finally end.
As I attended the mass earlier this Sunday, it was sung by the choir. Since it has been a long time since I last heard this song, it reminded me once more of those dark times. I've come a long way since then. That was the time when I was about to graduate from high school and everything seemed to crash. My life then was in scattered pieces. Feeling guilty of all the sins I committed and for those I have not, I got depressed. Nothing seemed to make me happy.
If someone asks me if this song uplifted my spirit then, I could not remember. But whenever I hear this song these days, it not only reminds me of those depressing times, it also reminds me of how far I am now since then and how many blessings God has gifted me and my family.
2004 started really terribly. I recalled that on its first day, not even the beautiful sky was able to make me happy. And this song? It made my sadness meaningful but filled with music. Things changed as the year passed by. The later months became happier. My life started anew. And as I look back, it had been a dramatic but wonderful year.
While listening to this song in the mass I attended hours ago, I uttered to myself that I want this song played on my funeral rites in the future. I had no particular reason but I felt how beautiful this song is. I tried to control my emotions while hearing this song but it eventually got me teary-eyed towards its end.
Here is the lyrics of the song:
Lord, I come to You,
Let my heart be changed, renewed,
Flowing from the grace,
That I found in You
Lord, I've come to know,
The weaknesses I see in me,
Will be stripped away,
By the power of Your love
Hold me close,
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near,
Draw me to Your side
And as I wait,
I'll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You,
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your Love
Lord unveil my eyes,
Let me see You face to face
The knowledge of Your love,
As You live in me
Lord renew my mind,
As Your will unfolds in my life
In living every day,
In the power of Your Love.
During the mass, the priest asked us, "If the Lord asks you what your wish is, what will you say?" I thought to myself, "I want complete happiness and I want to see the Lord one day while hugging me." I guess this song reflects what I want: seeing the Lord face to face while his love surrounds me. That, I guess, will be the happiest moment of my life even if it also means it's the end...
I was then first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Depressed, I can't seem to think straight. I blamed everything on myself. I felt like I was the culprit for every problem in this world. I felt guilty for even the acts or omissions I have not done. I just wanted for this world to end so that every misery that exists would finally end.
As I attended the mass earlier this Sunday, it was sung by the choir. Since it has been a long time since I last heard this song, it reminded me once more of those dark times. I've come a long way since then. That was the time when I was about to graduate from high school and everything seemed to crash. My life then was in scattered pieces. Feeling guilty of all the sins I committed and for those I have not, I got depressed. Nothing seemed to make me happy.
If someone asks me if this song uplifted my spirit then, I could not remember. But whenever I hear this song these days, it not only reminds me of those depressing times, it also reminds me of how far I am now since then and how many blessings God has gifted me and my family.
2004 started really terribly. I recalled that on its first day, not even the beautiful sky was able to make me happy. And this song? It made my sadness meaningful but filled with music. Things changed as the year passed by. The later months became happier. My life started anew. And as I look back, it had been a dramatic but wonderful year.
While listening to this song in the mass I attended hours ago, I uttered to myself that I want this song played on my funeral rites in the future. I had no particular reason but I felt how beautiful this song is. I tried to control my emotions while hearing this song but it eventually got me teary-eyed towards its end.
Here is the lyrics of the song:
Lord, I come to You,
Let my heart be changed, renewed,
Flowing from the grace,
That I found in You
Lord, I've come to know,
The weaknesses I see in me,
Will be stripped away,
By the power of Your love
Hold me close,
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near,
Draw me to Your side
And as I wait,
I'll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You,
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your Love
Lord unveil my eyes,
Let me see You face to face
The knowledge of Your love,
As You live in me
Lord renew my mind,
As Your will unfolds in my life
In living every day,
In the power of Your Love.
During the mass, the priest asked us, "If the Lord asks you what your wish is, what will you say?" I thought to myself, "I want complete happiness and I want to see the Lord one day while hugging me." I guess this song reflects what I want: seeing the Lord face to face while his love surrounds me. That, I guess, will be the happiest moment of my life even if it also means it's the end...
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Like Queen Elizabeth the Great
After a couple of months of having spiritual crisis, I now consider myself to be of serene mind. I no longer have problems with my studies and I am completely contented with what I have in life. I have some incapabilities, I know, but having learned that I am sitting pretty as a law student in UP, I realized that God is up there providing everything in life. I am, despite of my weaknesses, surviving each day. This is enough to be thankful for to the Lord.
I just had a chat with Manny Freires a couple of hours ago and upon learning of my present condition, he was happy that his prayer for me to have serenity in life was answered by the Lord. My mother, when she called few times over the past few weeks is also very thankful when I uttered that I am contented with my life and I am enjoying my studies. I hope these times would continue. I learned for the past several months to be modest in everything, including in having faith in the Lord. Before, I was very emotional. Now, I am not. I can control my emotions these days. For these, I am also very very thankful.
Manny Freires told me that perhaps I can become like St. Thomas More, patron saint of lawyers. I got scared when he said that this saint was beheaded during the reign of King Henry VIII for having defended the Catholic faith. Of all the modes of dying, this one sure is one of the most dreadful. I've had nightmares of being beheaded. This is the kind of dying that scares me the most. I believe that he means I can become a militant Catholic, a defender of faith but I'm not very sure that I'd take such path. I already have dreams and aspirations myself and this one is not in my list.
So I told him, I'd rather be religion-neutral in front of everyone and be like Queen Elizabeth the Great, the queen who united England amidst the religious wars of the 1500s. Debating about religion is, as what Prof. Florin Hilbay said in our class, "a conversation-stopper," and as what can be gleaned from History, has been the cause of many wars and deaths of many souls. Until now, I can see that differences in religion is the cause of the on-going wars in the Middle East. I know, at the back of my mind, that Catholic faith calls us to be martyrs. But I believe in the power of diplomacy and the principle of freedom of religion...
I just had a chat with Manny Freires a couple of hours ago and upon learning of my present condition, he was happy that his prayer for me to have serenity in life was answered by the Lord. My mother, when she called few times over the past few weeks is also very thankful when I uttered that I am contented with my life and I am enjoying my studies. I hope these times would continue. I learned for the past several months to be modest in everything, including in having faith in the Lord. Before, I was very emotional. Now, I am not. I can control my emotions these days. For these, I am also very very thankful.
Manny Freires told me that perhaps I can become like St. Thomas More, patron saint of lawyers. I got scared when he said that this saint was beheaded during the reign of King Henry VIII for having defended the Catholic faith. Of all the modes of dying, this one sure is one of the most dreadful. I've had nightmares of being beheaded. This is the kind of dying that scares me the most. I believe that he means I can become a militant Catholic, a defender of faith but I'm not very sure that I'd take such path. I already have dreams and aspirations myself and this one is not in my list.
So I told him, I'd rather be religion-neutral in front of everyone and be like Queen Elizabeth the Great, the queen who united England amidst the religious wars of the 1500s. Debating about religion is, as what Prof. Florin Hilbay said in our class, "a conversation-stopper," and as what can be gleaned from History, has been the cause of many wars and deaths of many souls. Until now, I can see that differences in religion is the cause of the on-going wars in the Middle East. I know, at the back of my mind, that Catholic faith calls us to be martyrs. But I believe in the power of diplomacy and the principle of freedom of religion...
Monday, April 18, 2011
Close Encounters with Unique Whale Sharks in Deep Green Sea is Perhaps the Most Amazing Water Experience of My Life
Swimming in waters off the coast the island of Luzon, Philippines has never been this amazing. I just came from a short getaway in Donsol, Sorsogon with college friends, Kaka, Jopol and Ate Jonah, and some of Ate Jonah's working colleagues.
At first, I wasn't able to see a thing. Waters entering my snorkels kept me from looking down the ocean as I could not breathe. Total failure as I was calling it. The whale shark I was trying to watch went off without me seeing it.
The next round, I was a bit luckier. I was able to watch the giant fish' body and tail swimming. It was very close to me, barely around a meter and half from my body. I got scared right at the moment when I recalled we were cautioned to be at least 3-4 meters away from the gentle shark. I was panting, literally. Right in the middle of the ocean!
Few rounds later, I had the most amazing few seconds of my life as I saw a huge whaleshark swimming while a smaller fish was gliding on top of its right fin. At that moment, the water was so clear. I was so happy. That was the first time I ever swam watching a giant fish and a smaller fish swimming together! Exhilarating and wonderful! I recalled all those encyclopedic photos I've seen when I was a child. And it's exponentially way better and more amazing up close!!!
The most amusing of all was the seventh and the final whale shark. I first saw its huge head. And boy, I saw its lavender-colored mouth, literally! And its body, though lighter, is also lavender! I was trying to follow this unique whale shark but when I screamed upon seeing it, waters gushed down my snorkel and stopped me from swimming further. I wasn't able to watch the shark afterwards. But still, pretty amazing moment.
I never saw pictures of lavender whale sharks before. I didn't expect that whale sharks are unlike those you see in pictures. They could actually have variations, amazing ones to be specific. Thus, I recommend everyone to watch the whale sharks. They are not as good as the ones you see in pictures. You better have close encounters with them and discover how different they are from how pictures seem to portray them!
I thank my friends for bringing me with them and I most especially thank God for giving me an opportunity to watch whale sharks. I'm planning to go back in the future. Once is not enough. And I'd probably practice wearing snorkels next time - they're killing my amazing experience.
At first, I wasn't able to see a thing. Waters entering my snorkels kept me from looking down the ocean as I could not breathe. Total failure as I was calling it. The whale shark I was trying to watch went off without me seeing it.
The next round, I was a bit luckier. I was able to watch the giant fish' body and tail swimming. It was very close to me, barely around a meter and half from my body. I got scared right at the moment when I recalled we were cautioned to be at least 3-4 meters away from the gentle shark. I was panting, literally. Right in the middle of the ocean!
Few rounds later, I had the most amazing few seconds of my life as I saw a huge whaleshark swimming while a smaller fish was gliding on top of its right fin. At that moment, the water was so clear. I was so happy. That was the first time I ever swam watching a giant fish and a smaller fish swimming together! Exhilarating and wonderful! I recalled all those encyclopedic photos I've seen when I was a child. And it's exponentially way better and more amazing up close!!!
The most amusing of all was the seventh and the final whale shark. I first saw its huge head. And boy, I saw its lavender-colored mouth, literally! And its body, though lighter, is also lavender! I was trying to follow this unique whale shark but when I screamed upon seeing it, waters gushed down my snorkel and stopped me from swimming further. I wasn't able to watch the shark afterwards. But still, pretty amazing moment.
I never saw pictures of lavender whale sharks before. I didn't expect that whale sharks are unlike those you see in pictures. They could actually have variations, amazing ones to be specific. Thus, I recommend everyone to watch the whale sharks. They are not as good as the ones you see in pictures. You better have close encounters with them and discover how different they are from how pictures seem to portray them!
I thank my friends for bringing me with them and I most especially thank God for giving me an opportunity to watch whale sharks. I'm planning to go back in the future. Once is not enough. And I'd probably practice wearing snorkels next time - they're killing my amazing experience.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Reckoning Day
We have spark. We've been friends since 2008, the best year of my life. And now, we're more than just friends. I just dated her awhile ago and asked her if we could now be more than just that. It took a while. Some strolling down the 2 malls in North Avenue and a dinner date at a restaurant before she finally said "yes."
So far, this is one of the happiest days of my life. She isn't exactly what I'm looking for. I've been an idealistic person for a long time. Looking for the right girl is difficult. I want a perfect woman. But God changed the way I look at her. Despite her imperfections, I always have a great time whenever I'm with her. And so, for a long time, I finally decided to ask her if she could be "the one."
Within just few hours, she answered in the affirmative. I feel so lucky because it did not take a long while. I now imagine myself living with her in her provincial home in beach-side Miag-ao, Iloilo. I've always longed for marrying someone from the Visayas. For me, those central Philippine isles are lovely and worth visiting.
She's more on the exotic side. The best thing about her is her perseverance. And apart from that, I know she's gonna love me back.
And now, this is the reckoning day. I may not be lucky academically these past few years. But I am pretty lucky now when it comes to love. I no longer feel there's an empty space in my heart. Someone's filling it up for me. And that is Kim.
So far, this is one of the happiest days of my life. She isn't exactly what I'm looking for. I've been an idealistic person for a long time. Looking for the right girl is difficult. I want a perfect woman. But God changed the way I look at her. Despite her imperfections, I always have a great time whenever I'm with her. And so, for a long time, I finally decided to ask her if she could be "the one."
Within just few hours, she answered in the affirmative. I feel so lucky because it did not take a long while. I now imagine myself living with her in her provincial home in beach-side Miag-ao, Iloilo. I've always longed for marrying someone from the Visayas. For me, those central Philippine isles are lovely and worth visiting.
She's more on the exotic side. The best thing about her is her perseverance. And apart from that, I know she's gonna love me back.
And now, this is the reckoning day. I may not be lucky academically these past few years. But I am pretty lucky now when it comes to love. I no longer feel there's an empty space in my heart. Someone's filling it up for me. And that is Kim.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Opening Post
I am Ojo (not my real name). I have a bipolar disorder (that disorder in which the person who has it has full of mood swings) and I am highly indecisive. I figured, it's just right to create a blog to convey what I have in mind and in my heart to help me find out what I should do with my wishy washy self.
You see, I need and want a good life and future. But with these problems in me, I surely need some help. So I decided to create this blog. This is where I will post all my feelings. I have full of mood swings and I always, always need spiritual help as I always find comfort and peace of mind in God.
Today is a normal day. I am on the verge of transferring to another school because I am not happy in UP. Falling grades, demanding professors, elite classmates, lengthy cases to read, bleak environment -- they all contribute to the sadness I have. It seems that I don't have life here. That's why I am thinking of transferring to another school.
Pondering about transferring to another school is a dreadful exercise. The name and prestige of UP Law is stuck up in my mind. But its the rigors of surviving there that's making me feel awful. I need rest and of course, motivation to study hard.
But I went to UST in Sampaloc to inquire about whether I can transfer. Together with my friend, Kim, it feels a lot better. It seems that UST's more friendly atmosphere is attracting me to transfer. I am now regaining my self-confidence that I lost. I was full of insecurities in UP that I want someone to bring me back to life.
God is out there. I need his words. To bring me back to life. Like how San Lazaro was brought back by Jesus (oh, yesterday's homily...).
You see, I need and want a good life and future. But with these problems in me, I surely need some help. So I decided to create this blog. This is where I will post all my feelings. I have full of mood swings and I always, always need spiritual help as I always find comfort and peace of mind in God.
Today is a normal day. I am on the verge of transferring to another school because I am not happy in UP. Falling grades, demanding professors, elite classmates, lengthy cases to read, bleak environment -- they all contribute to the sadness I have. It seems that I don't have life here. That's why I am thinking of transferring to another school.
Pondering about transferring to another school is a dreadful exercise. The name and prestige of UP Law is stuck up in my mind. But its the rigors of surviving there that's making me feel awful. I need rest and of course, motivation to study hard.
But I went to UST in Sampaloc to inquire about whether I can transfer. Together with my friend, Kim, it feels a lot better. It seems that UST's more friendly atmosphere is attracting me to transfer. I am now regaining my self-confidence that I lost. I was full of insecurities in UP that I want someone to bring me back to life.
God is out there. I need his words. To bring me back to life. Like how San Lazaro was brought back by Jesus (oh, yesterday's homily...).
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)