This Song...

During those most depressing times of my life in 2004, everytime I attend a mass, I always hear this song. Sung by the choir in every mass I attended, this song, in a way, became engraved in my spirit and in my heart.

I was then first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Depressed, I can't seem to think straight. I blamed everything on myself. I felt like I was the culprit for every problem in this world. I felt guilty for even the acts or omissions I have not done. I just wanted for this world to end so that every misery that exists would finally end.

As I attended the mass earlier this Sunday, it was sung by the choir. Since it has been a long time since I last heard this song, it reminded me once more of those dark times. I've come a long way since then. That was the time when I was about to graduate from high school and everything seemed to crash. My life then was in scattered pieces. Feeling guilty of all the sins I committed and for those I have not, I got depressed. Nothing seemed to make me happy.

If someone asks me if this song uplifted my spirit then, I could not remember. But whenever I hear this song these days, it not only reminds me of those depressing times, it also reminds me of how far I am now since then and how many blessings God has gifted me and my family.

2004 started really terribly. I recalled that on its first day, not even the beautiful sky was able to make me happy. And this song? It made my sadness meaningful but filled with music. Things changed as the year passed by. The later months became happier. My life started anew. And as I look back, it had been a dramatic but wonderful year.

While listening to this song in the mass I attended hours ago, I uttered to myself that I want this song played on my funeral rites in the future. I had no particular reason but I felt how beautiful this song is. I tried to control my emotions while hearing this song but it eventually got me teary-eyed towards its end.

Here is the lyrics of the song:

Lord, I come to You,
Let my heart be changed, renewed,
Flowing from the grace,
That I found in You
Lord, I've come to know,
The weaknesses I see in me,
Will be stripped away,
By the power of Your love

Hold me close,
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near,
Draw me to Your side
And as I wait,
I'll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You,
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your Love

Lord unveil my eyes,
Let me see You face to face
The knowledge of Your love,
As You live in me
Lord renew my mind,
As Your will unfolds in my life
In living every day,
In the power of Your Love.

During the mass, the priest asked us, "If the Lord asks you what your wish is, what will you say?" I thought to myself, "I want complete happiness and I want to see the Lord one day while hugging me." I guess this song reflects what I want: seeing the Lord face to face while his love surrounds me. That,  I guess, will be the happiest moment of my life even if it also means it's the end...

Like Queen Elizabeth the Great

After a couple of months of having spiritual crisis, I now consider myself to be of serene mind. I no longer have problems with my studies and I am completely contented with what I have in life. I have some incapabilities, I know, but having learned that I am sitting pretty as a law student in UP, I realized that God is up there providing everything in life. I am, despite of my weaknesses, surviving each day. This is enough to be thankful for to the Lord.

I just had a chat with Manny Freires a couple of hours ago and upon learning of my present condition, he was happy that his prayer for me to have serenity in life was answered by the Lord. My mother, when she called few times over the past few weeks is also very thankful when I uttered that I am contented with my life and I am enjoying my studies. I hope these times would continue. I learned for the past several months to be modest in everything, including in having faith in the Lord. Before, I was very emotional. Now, I am not. I can control my emotions these days. For these, I am also very very thankful.

Manny Freires told me that perhaps I can become like St. Thomas More, patron saint of lawyers. I got scared when he said that this saint was beheaded during the reign of King Henry VIII for having defended the Catholic faith. Of all the modes of dying, this one sure is one of the most dreadful. I've had nightmares of being beheaded. This is the kind of dying that scares me the most. I believe that he means I can become a militant Catholic, a defender of faith but I'm not very sure that I'd take such path. I already have dreams and aspirations myself and this one is not in my list.

So I told him, I'd rather be religion-neutral in front of everyone and be like Queen Elizabeth the Great, the queen who united England amidst the religious wars of the 1500s. Debating about religion is, as what Prof. Florin Hilbay said in our class, "a conversation-stopper," and as what can be gleaned from History, has been the cause of many wars and deaths of many souls. Until now, I can see that differences in religion is the cause of the on-going wars in the Middle East. I know, at the back of my mind, that Catholic faith calls us to be martyrs. But I believe in the power of diplomacy and the principle of freedom of religion...