This Song...

During those most depressing times of my life in 2004, everytime I attend a mass, I always hear this song. Sung by the choir in every mass I attended, this song, in a way, became engraved in my spirit and in my heart.

I was then first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Depressed, I can't seem to think straight. I blamed everything on myself. I felt like I was the culprit for every problem in this world. I felt guilty for even the acts or omissions I have not done. I just wanted for this world to end so that every misery that exists would finally end.

As I attended the mass earlier this Sunday, it was sung by the choir. Since it has been a long time since I last heard this song, it reminded me once more of those dark times. I've come a long way since then. That was the time when I was about to graduate from high school and everything seemed to crash. My life then was in scattered pieces. Feeling guilty of all the sins I committed and for those I have not, I got depressed. Nothing seemed to make me happy.

If someone asks me if this song uplifted my spirit then, I could not remember. But whenever I hear this song these days, it not only reminds me of those depressing times, it also reminds me of how far I am now since then and how many blessings God has gifted me and my family.

2004 started really terribly. I recalled that on its first day, not even the beautiful sky was able to make me happy. And this song? It made my sadness meaningful but filled with music. Things changed as the year passed by. The later months became happier. My life started anew. And as I look back, it had been a dramatic but wonderful year.

While listening to this song in the mass I attended hours ago, I uttered to myself that I want this song played on my funeral rites in the future. I had no particular reason but I felt how beautiful this song is. I tried to control my emotions while hearing this song but it eventually got me teary-eyed towards its end.

Here is the lyrics of the song:

Lord, I come to You,
Let my heart be changed, renewed,
Flowing from the grace,
That I found in You
Lord, I've come to know,
The weaknesses I see in me,
Will be stripped away,
By the power of Your love

Hold me close,
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near,
Draw me to Your side
And as I wait,
I'll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You,
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your Love

Lord unveil my eyes,
Let me see You face to face
The knowledge of Your love,
As You live in me
Lord renew my mind,
As Your will unfolds in my life
In living every day,
In the power of Your Love.

During the mass, the priest asked us, "If the Lord asks you what your wish is, what will you say?" I thought to myself, "I want complete happiness and I want to see the Lord one day while hugging me." I guess this song reflects what I want: seeing the Lord face to face while his love surrounds me. That,  I guess, will be the happiest moment of my life even if it also means it's the end...